


you gotta go there to come back

by radiophile



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Character Study, Gen, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 15:56:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiophile/pseuds/radiophile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah leaves; Felix waits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you gotta go there to come back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radialarch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radialarch/gifts).



> Content warning for brief mentions of bullying and underage sex. Title taken from the song "I'm Alright" by the Stereophonics.

_You have one new voice message. To hear your voice messages, press--_

_Beep._

_First new message. Left on February 27th at 4:24 AM._

"Hey, Fee. Glad I didn't wake you, I know what you're like when you don't get your beauty sleep. It's not quite midnight here, so technically, I'm not late. Happy birthday, Fee. Hope you had a good one. It's gotta be better than last year's, yeah? Just tell me it was better than that, for Chrissake. ... I wish I could've been there, but-- well. You know I'd be there if I could. It's not-- I know it's not-- Ah, shit, Fee. Be good to yourself, yeah?"

_To call this person back, press one. To delete this message, press--_

_Beep._

\---

Felix was eleven the first time Sarah ran away. It happened the morning after she got into a spectacular row with Mrs. S. They couldn't get through a single conversation without arguing by that time, but even by their standards, it had been a big one. Felix still doesn't know what started the fight, never got around to asking and it hardly seems to matter anymore. All he remembers is opening the door to Sarah's room that morning and finding it empty.

They always walked to school together. Felix knew by then that Sarah was rarely going to her classes, but she still made sure that he went to all of his. No matter how Felix begged, she wouldn't let him tag along wherever she was going, wouldn't let him meet whoever she was going with.

"One of us has to be the good one," Sarah would say, with a wry twist in her mouth that made Felix feel like he was missing out on a joke. He never got the punchline. Even now, all grown up with a GED collecting dust in some corner of a loft he doesn't pay rent for in money, he thinks, _But I'm no good_.

That morning, Sarah had left without him. Not to school -- Felix knew better -- but to a place she didn't want him to follow. Felix was no stranger to being unwanted, of course; he's a foster kid with real parents out there somewhere who just couldn't be bothered. But he had never felt unwanted by Sarah, not truly.

Felix wasn't an idiot, he knew she was keeping secrets from him, but she never pretended otherwise. More importantly, Felix didn't keep secrets from her ( _I still hope my mum will come back for me someday_ , he once admitted, and Sarah hadn't laughed; _I like boys_ , he confessed, just ten years old but he already knew enough to be scared, and Sarah only grinned and hugged him tightly). She was the only person in his life who knew him, _really_ knew him, and she loved him anyway.

But she was gone, just like the rest. Couldn't be bothered.

Mrs. S told him Sarah would be back, that she was just throwing a tantrum. "You'd think she'd outgrow them at sixteen, but they're just getting bigger," she said, not looking up from her paper.

"She always walks to school with me," Felix said, like that would somehow bring her back.

Mrs. S folded down the paper to look at him. "Do you need a ride to class?" she offered.

Felix hesitated. He wanted to take her up on it, badly. There were several kids in the neighborhood he didn't want to run into on the way, not without Sarah to protect him. But Mrs. S had said _need_ , and Felix couldn't quite justify it to himself. "No, that's alright," he said, managing a little smile. He didn't need a ride to school, he needed Mrs. S to know he wasn't a burden. That he wasn't more trouble than he was worth.

And it all worked out, in the end. Felix made it to school without incident, and Sarah was waiting for him when he got out.

"Where the hell were you?" he demanded, suddenly furious at the sight of her.

"I'm sorry," she said, which wasn't an answer but enough for Felix to let her hug him.

"Just don't do it again," Felix said, voice muffled into her shoulder.

Sarah squeezed tighter, but didn't say anything.

\---

_First new message. Left on April 17th 9:58 AM._

"I broke up with Vic. I'm done making excuses for him. He's already begging me to take him back, if you can believe it. Well, of course you can, you've met him. But I'm done, I need to cut him out of my life, like you said. I'm just gonna finish up this job and then I'll head back up, maybe in a month or so. Call me when you've got a spare minute, yeah?"

_To call this person back, press one. To delete this message, press--_

_Beep._

\---

The next time Sarah disappeared, she left a note for Felix: _Back in a few days. Ask Mrs. S to drive you to school._

"A few days" turned out to be a week. Felix never showed Mrs. S the note. Looking back on it now, Felix likes to think it was an act of forethought, that deep down, he knew he would have to learn how to defend himself without Sarah at his side. But if he's honest with himself (and when is he ever), he knows he simply picked the lesser of two fears.

When Sarah came back, she managed to answer all of Felix's questions without giving him any answers at all. She just needed some space, there was a job, things got held up but _don't worry about it, Fee_. When she asked how Felix had been, he wanted to reply in kind and tell her not to worry, wanted to say he could take care of himself and actually mean it. But he's not Sarah, not even close, and it only took a few minutes of pointed questions before she got the whole story out of him.

"I'll fucking kill them," she snarled, and Felix had no trouble believing it.

"Don't, Sarah, please, you'll just make it worse," Felix begged. "It's not even that bad! They're not doing anything to me."

"They sure as fuck aren't leaving you alone!" Sarah snapped.

"It's just words," Felix shrugged. "Insults can't hurt me."

"It's only an insult if you're ashamed. Are you?"

 _Yes_ , Felix thought, miserably. He didn't say it, but he didn't have to. Sarah grabbed him by the shoulders and waited for him to look her in the eye.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," she said fiercely. "There's not a single fucking thing that's wrong with who you are, and so long as you know it, and you let them know it, they can't insult you. Got it?"

Felix didn't get it, not yet, but he nodded anyway, and smiled just to see her smile back. He was always doing that. It made him feel brave, even if it was only for a moment. It was a start.

\---

_First new message. Left on June 4th at 2:37 PM._

"Hey, it's me. Are you busy? You must be, I mean, not even you would sleep in this late. ... Look, just call me back when you get this, yeah? I've been trying to get in touch with Mrs. S, but she won't let me talk to her. I know she's being taken care of, but I should be the one-- I know I fucked up, but it's different this time, Fee, I swear. I'm gonna make it right."

_To call this person back, press one. To delete this message--_

\---

Sarah left for longer and longer stretches of time. There was always some job, described in the vaguest of terms, and Felix started calling them "business trips" in what started as an admittedly petty joke. But it stuck, and Sarah started calling them that, too, until the euphemism lost all bitterness and became just another form of shorthand between them.

They weren't always sudden disappearances in the dead of night, although the shock of those started wearing off after a while. The days she stayed at home mostly seemed to be spent planning for the next time she'd be away, until Felix started to wonder if she even thought of it as "home" anymore. Until missing Sarah wasn't just for when she was gone.

Felix adapted, like he had with everything else. They were both good at that. He grew up and figured out what Sarah had meant when she told him not to be ashamed. He learned that trying to hide made him a target, so he stopped trying. When they taunted him, he taunted back, and louder. He started putting on makeup and wore clothes that made him feel beautiful; he'd always loved art, and fashion was art you could wear like armor. People looked at him, but they had always looked at him. At least now he was making them look, _daring_ them to look. He made friends at school, charmed all his teachers, lost his virginity at fifteen in the back of a pickup truck and never looked back.

Sarah was there for some of it, but gone more often than not by the time Felix was in high school. Somehow, they stayed close despite the absences, or maybe even because of them. Felix was the only link between her and Mrs. S, and the life they left behind in London. Neither of them ever admitted it aloud, but they both missed it sometimes. 

Mostly, though, Felix was glad to be in a foreign country. It gave him a ready excuse not to belong. He played all of Sarah's punk albums until knew the words to every song on _London Calling_ by heart, listened to the Radio 4 programmes Mrs. S liked and stubbornly held onto his accent so he'd never lose that frame of reference.

As Felix got older, Sarah confided in him more, told him where she was going and elaborated on the jobs she was taking. Con jobs, mostly, and a medley of other minor crimes scattered along the East Coast. She had partners, a circle of friends and acquaintances whom Felix never learned much about, just enough to hold them in contempt. They saw each other less, but kept in touch through constant texts and phone calls, always within reach.

She called him from a motel bathroom in Buffalo at two in the morning to tell him, "I'm pregnant." She could barely choke the words out through her sobs. "What the fuck am I gonna do, Fee?"

"Come home," Felix said, without hesitation. He's been begging her for years, if only to himself.

Sarah did, and this time, she stayed. Long enough to give birth and celebrate Kira's first birthday, long enough for Felix to start to believe she wasn't going to leave again.

For the first time in years, the house was full and noisy with activity at all hours of the day. Felix adored Kira, and privately vowed to spoil her rotten every chance he got. Mrs. S seemed happier, more patient and less likely to speak harshly with a baby in the room. And Sarah... Maybe she was a bit restless, but Felix assumed it was only natural. That it would pass eventually, and things would go back to how they used to be. Better, with Kira to fill out their ranks.

But a little over a year after Sarah came home, she left again. No note this time, no mention of a business trip or any clue as to where she went off to.

Sara left, just like old times. But nothing like them, either.

\---

"Hi, Sarah."

"Fee? I didn't think-- I'm glad you picked up."

"What do you need?"

"I don't need anything, I just wanted to talk to you."

"Uh-huh."

"Come on, Fee, don't be like that."

"Like what?"

"Like _that_ , I'm not looking to fight, so could you just--"

"You're the one who called me!"

"I know! And I said I just wanted to talk!"

"So talk."

"This is-- You're being ridiculous, Fee."

"Am I? It's been ten months, Sarah. You left without a word to anyone, again, without telling us where you're going or why, _again_. I've lost count how many times you've done that, and I wouldn't even care so much, only you _promised_. And not to me, but to Kira."

"How is she? Has she said anything about me?"

"You'd know if you were here."

"Don't you d-- Don't. I would've stayed if I could, you know that. Please, Fee, I need you on my side, here. ... Fee?"

"Yeah, I'm here. And yeah, I am, alright? Christ, you couldn't let me stay pissed at you for five minutes?"

"Fee, you know I can't bear it when you're angry with me."

"Yes, alright, that's enough. Where are you?"

"Two hours away."

"Come again?"

"I'm on the train right now, ETA half ten. Can you meet me?"

\---

Felix had spent ten months thinking about what he'd say to her when she finally returned. In his angrier moments, Felix searched his memory to take account of every offense she'd ever made against him. _Remember when you ditched me in fifth year to go to the cinema with that prick, Darren?_ he thought, laying out her crimes in their imaginary reunion. _You didn't even like that wanker and you let him feel you up in the theatre while I walked home from school alone._

This was only the latest in a series of long absences, and he thought he'd be used to it by now. He wasn't sure why it bothered him more than it used to, why he let Sarah's calls go to voicemail more often than not and picked fights with her over the phone. Maybe it was because Sarah never used to promise she would stay, before Kira.

Even so, he never once doubted that she would, eventually, return. Probably not when he wanted her to, and definitely not when he expected her, but she wouldn't leave him forever. Somehow he knew this, never questioned it for a second. And maybe that's why, when Sarah finally crashed into his life again, all of the hurt and anger disappeared in the space of a breath.

\---

"Oh my god, you look like crap," Felix says, in lieu of hello.

Sarah laughs as he throws his arms around her, squeezing tight. He holds her and holds her, relief and joy washing away whatever grudges he'd been clinging to all this time.

It doesn't matter. None of it ever mattered. He'll forgive her every time, he realizes, so long as she keeps coming back.

end.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Yuletide, radialarch! ♥ I took several cues from your prompts (Sarah and Felix's childhood, bickering siblings who stand up for each other, Felix's campiness as a defense mechanism) and tried to work them into this fic. It's not quite what I had in mind when I started, but I hope you enjoy it! Hope you have a wonderful holiday season~*✲ﾟ*


End file.
